Starbugs and Evas and Lagers, oh my!
by Sumo Rabbit
Summary: When it comes to being the laziest, hardest drinking, messiest slob in the universe, there is no human can match Misato Katsuragi. Or is there?
1. Chapter 1

Dave Lister was bored.

Really bored. In fact he was so bored he was giving serious consideration to playing tiddlywinks showjumping, or having a chat with Talkie Toaster about the merits of toasted bagels, or maybe he'd just watch some of those ancient Japanese cartoons him and Petersen used to watch years ago.  
Haven't watched them in years, he thought. God, we used to have brilliant drinking games doing it. One drink every a giant robot appeared and all that Some of them were just so screwed up though. There was that one in particular, what was it? Oh yeah, Evangelion. Oh, that show was so good, downing a shot every time the (what was his name? Shinbone or soemething?) kid apologised was the quickest way to get absolutely hammered. But there was something about that show, they'd even watch that one while sober, and have mad theories about it. even with those mental kids and their... oh...

Dave Lister just had an idea.

A utterly smeggingly brilliant idea, he thought. Only thing was he needed help, and hopefully a bit of good luck.

Three levels down, a series 4000 mechanoid was humming to itself, while doing some laundry, when the intercom buzzed.  
"Kryten mate, can you meet me at Petersen's room in 5 minutes?"  
"Of course Mr Lister sir, I'll be right up."

5 minutes later, Kryten walked in to see Lister going through a bunch of videotapes.  
"What is it that you want, Mr. Lister, sir?"  
"Kryten, you remember that photo developing fluid that went all weird, and allowed us to go into photographs?"  
"Of course, but what about it?"  
"I was wondering, do you think it'll work on videotape?"  
Kryten considered this for a couple of seconds. "Possibly, but I'm sure I could tweak it to make sure of it. Do you wish me to try?"  
Oh yeah, thanks mate" said Lister grinning, "Just don't tell Rimmer about it."  
Kryten left the room, and Lister proceeded to put in the video cassette, open a can, and sit back to watch...

"Mr Lister sir? Wake up!"  
Lister's eyes gradually focused and the first thing came to mind was an unfamiliar ceiling. Then he remembered, he was in Petersen's quarters. Oh yeah. I was binge watching Evangelion. 3 million years later and it's still smegging crazy. And I'm hungover. Oh smeg it.  
"Right Kryten, I'm awake, anything happen?"  
"No sir, just finished working on the formula - it didn't take as long as I expected."  
"Oh? How long?"  
"18 hours and 34 minutes, sir."  
"Cheers, Kryten. Just leave it here for now, we can wait til my head stops feeling like someone's running over it with a loaded Morrison's shopping trolley.'  
"Very well sir, anything else?"  
"Nah, I'll give you a shout when I'm ready."

Some time later, Kryten got the call from Lister. As the mechanoid walked into the room, he saw Lister fiddling with a video camera "Alright Kryten, man, I think we're ready. I was thinking we'd start with something a bit safer. I'll use this video camera, and in a while, we'll-"  
Lister was cut off as suddenly, as if out of nowhere, another Lister appeared. Kryten just stared.

"Where did you come from?" asked the Lister holding the camera.  
"An hour from now" replied the other Lister. "This bit of filming you're doing? Well, I just decided to test if the developing fluid would work on the video that we just shot, and Hey Presto, here I am. Turning around, the new Lister gestured at nothing in particular, and said "Come on Kryten, see for yourself, it's safe!"  
Before the other Lister could say anything, a second Kryten appeared in the room.  
"Fascinating sirs, it appears to work perfectly." spoke both Krytens.  
"Yes it does." replied the two Listers.

Just then, the four of them could hear a growing noise in the corridor, and they turned to see Cat walking past preening himself and humming to himself.  
"Go!" said original Lister, and the future Lister and Kryten jumped through the portal back to their present.  
Just before Cat stopped, backed up and stood in the doorway, nose twitching.

"Something smelt off, what are you guys up to?"  
"Nothing" was the reply.  
"No way Jose, you guys were up to something, you can't fool this nose, and something did not smell right - like there was some sort of concentrated Eau de Lister for a second, and that kind of odour doesn't just fade like that!"  
"Are you saying I smell?"  
"Well, I could be saying you don't smell, but I'd be lying. And I am most stylistically honest. No brutal honesty for me, nossir, I tell it with class! You smell, dude. When was the last time you took a bath?"  
"What month is it?"  
"September!"  
"Already?"

At that point, another Cat appeared in the room. "See? I knew you were hiding something!"  
Original Cat did a double take, took a sniff, and grinned widely . "What's this? Another me? it has to be me! Nobody else comes close to matching me when it comes to looking awesome!"  
The newcomer matched his grin, "Oh yeah, past Me! You and me, we are the epitome of style!

And now twice the awesomness! Yaaaoow!" Kryten and Lister looked at each other. "Well sir, I guess we don't have to hide it from Mr Cat now. Or explain it."

"Or them." Future Cat sullenly muttered, pointing one finger in the vague direction where he'd come from, just in time for Future Arnold Judas Rimmer to enter the room, followed by Kryten and Lister, and another finger towards the door to the corridor, as the current Rimmer strolled in. "What is going on here?"

Cutting him off, Future Rimmer looked round the room."So this was your brilliant idea? To go back in time an hour, just to have a chat, and get drunk? I mean, could you not have done this for a more essential event, like for instance if we're attacked by more rogue Simulants, and we need to warn our past selves?"

Future and present jaws dropped.

Future Lister was first to speak. "Smegging hell, I cannot believe I'm going to say this, I'd rather iron my tongue with a tarmac laying machine, but Rimmer, that is a brilliant idea! We just keep this video and if something does happen, Hey presto! We just go back to here, and let you guys know what's going to happen."

Smug Rimmers were smug. Past Rimmer was the first to speak. "Of course, Listy, I wouldn't expect you to consider thinking anything-"

At this point, another Dave Lister came charging through the portal. "Guys, guys, you've only got a few minutes to do this, or we're all going to die! "

"When are you from?" asked both Listers.

"An hour and ten minutes in the future" came the panicked reply. "We need to jettison both Rimmer's hard light crystal into space right now, or we're done for! Turns out we never got fully rid of Rimmer's holo-virus, the time travel thing re-activated it, and in the last few minutes Mr Flibble's killed everyone else!"

Both Rimmers went pale, and both started sputtering "B-b-but there's no-w-way, I mean" in perfect synchronisation.

"Gotcha!" Future Future Lister grinned. "Couldn't resist it after you had the idea about the sending back future warnings. Right, see ya!" and then vanished again.

At this, everyone in the room cracked up, apart from two irritated Rimmers. "Even in our future, you're an unfunny oik, Lister."

"You're just sore you didn't think of it first."

Future Lister was next to speak. "Well, it works, so we'll toddle off back to our present, and we can get on with the fun later on. Later guys!" and with that the future Dwarfers vanished through the portal.

"Fun? Whatever on earth were he/you/they talking about? How did ostensibly future versions of us show up here? I want answers, Lister."

"Whatever, Rimmer." Lister shrugged and proceeded to tell him the whole plan.

Rimmer's reaction was predictable. "You want to enter a cartoon. One of those pretentious" Seeing Lister about to speak, he just raised his voice "Ah-Ah-Ah! No interruptions, I have heard of this one, it made zero sense even by normal standards. And by normal standards I mean those Czechoslovak People's Board of Animation cartoons Channel 4 used to show in the 1980s. And the reason you want to enter this cartoon is because one of the characters is a drunken slob. And you want to party. This is the most ridiculous plan you have ever come up with. Even more ridiculous than the night you decided to dress Kryten up as a Gelf. As supremely idiotic as he is, even Cat would not be able to come up with a plan as ridiculous as this one."

"Thank you! Wait, what?"

"Fine, stay here, we're still going to go ahead with it. If nothing else, we get to see and walk on an Earth, fresh air, blue skies, giant robots, murderous aliens and secretive cabals trying to bring around the end of humanity. And new lagers to try. What could go wrong?"

Rimmer snorted. "How many are the ways..."

Lister picked up the Evangelion tape, handed it it Kryten. "Right mate, you know where to set this to? Right? Let's do this."

Kryten pushed the tape into the VHS machine, and hit fast forward. Watching the counter scroll, he hit play, and as Evangelion played out on the screen, they all walked forward, and into it.

Into Tokyo-3.

"Why's it so dark? Did we arrive at night?"

"It's dark because I find the subdued light lends a suitable weight to the proceedings in my office." was the reply, followed by the sound of what appeared to be a silenced gunshot.

Followed by Rimmer moaning."Somebody just shot me." Rimmer turned round just in time to see the gun fire again. "And again."  
At that point the room brightened slightly, and a man sitting behind a desk became visible, holding a gun.

Most people would be silent at this, but not Rimmer. "What exactly is your problem, apart from the fact you're wearing stupid looking sunglasses in a dark room?" which was met by another shot.

The reality of their situation quickly dawned on Lister. "Aww no, Kryten, you paused it at the wrong scene. We're in Gendo's smegging office. We're going to have to go back and try again".

The man known as Gendo paused, staring at Rimmer. "Interesting, I have shot you three times, you do not appear to have been harmed, yet there is no sign of an AT field. I'm afraid I will just have to shoot you again, unless you care to inform me of your identity and purpose."

Lister answered him. "Sorry Gendo mate. You can fire all day if you want, bullets won't affect hard light holograms. Sorry about that. But feel free to fire a couple more rounds into Rimmer if you like - he did insult your choice of eyewear."

An outraged Rimmer only had time to shout "You smegging-" as another few shots bounced harmlessly off him, much to Gendo's and Rimmer's annoyance. "Why do you keep shooting me, and not them?"

"I must admit, there is something especially shootable about you." was Gendo's reply, drawing laughs from Cat and Lister.

"That is a truly amazing skill you have there, Rimmer," Lister mused. "No matter where you go Rimmer, everybody hates you."

"So, who is that dude anyway?"

"That's Gendo Ikari, boss of this place and the bad guy, treats everybody like pawns, thinks he knows best and has all these mad complicated plans. All designed to lead to the end of humanity."

"Oh, so he's basically a better dressed living goalpost head then?" Cat said, with a knowing grin.

Before Rimmer could object, Lister continued on. "Yeah, he really is a right tosser, for some strange reason he thinks that causing the end of the world will reunite him with his missus. Boy, is he in for a surprise."

"I'm still here, in case you'd forgotten", interjected a by now utterly mystified Gendo, frantically trying to piece together what was going on. 'How does he know of the scenario? Holograms or not, I must find out.'

"Man, I gotta admit, you are one sharp dressed man, almost as sharp as myself, but you really gotta lose those shades. they're making you look like a reject villain from a Bulgarian James Bond knock off film."

"Enough!" shouted a quickly losing patience Gendo, hitting a button. "Fuyutsuki! Delta 32. My office."

"That's our cue to go, c'mon!" said Rimmer as he jumped through the portal back to Red Dwarf, followed by Cat and Kryten. Just before he followed them, Lister turned round, looked Gendo in the eye, and said "Don't you be starting now, Gendo. You hear me? Stop starting! Oh, and yer mum's a slaaaag!", burst out laughing, and jumped.

Just as Lister went through, the door burst open, and a group of heavily armed men charged into the room, guns drawn, followed by an elderly man.  
"What's wrong Ikari?" asked Kozo Fuyutsuki.  
Gendo, by now examining the area where the Dwarfers had disappeared, turned to Fuyutsuki, and said "I don't know." which drew a few looks from the Section-2 detachment. Turning to them with a scowl, Gendo addressed the squad leader "I want the security tapes from my room on my monitor within 2 minutes, and I want Doctor Akagi here within 5. Do I make myself understood?"

"Yes sir!" replied the squad leader as he left the room as quickly as his legs could take him.

Fuyutsuki wondered what had rattled Gendo so much, but rather than asking, he waited for Gendo to tell him.  
"I had the strangest of visitations, Kozo. Four holographic characters, two human-like, one robotic and the fourth appeared to be semi-human. They appeared to have knowledge of me, our work and the scenario. And then they left." He paused.

"After insulting my mother."

Just then the door opened and a blonde woman walked in. "You wanted to see me Commander?"  
"Yes Doctor, I need you to watch this security footage and run some scans of my office. I had some unwelcome visitors and I want to find out how they got here, how we can track them down and how to prevent further incursions."  
The three of them proceeded to watch the footage, repeatedly rewinding and forwarding without comment.  
Fuyutsuki was the first to break the silence. "That was bizarre. Clearly your bullets had no effect on them, but yet they appeared to have mass."

Ritsuko Akagi was fascinated with the footage. "He said they were hard light holograms. The very idea that holograms that can actually have a physical presence in our world but without being damaged exist is unheard of, but there it appears to be. Imagine if we could adapt this to use as anti-Angel weaponry? An indestructible Angel killer."

Turning to Ritsuko, Gendo gestured at the area where the Dwarfers had vanished."That area is where they entered. I want you to perform whatever scans you can to find out how they got here."

"Yes Commander" came the reply. "Oh, before I go, were there any other effects of their arrival? Noises, lights, physical sensations?"

"None, Doctor. One moment there was nothing, then they appeared as if walking through an invisible door. Oh, there was a stench also, like a mixture of body odour, alcohol and spices."

'Body odour, booze and spices?' thought Ritsuko, 'sounds like Misato's apartment.' "I'll get to work right away sir."

Back on Red Dwarf, Rimmer was already complaining. "It'll be fine, it'll be a blast. Six blasts in fact. And those bullets were real. I thought this was just a cartoon?"  
Lister had a similar question for Kryten. "Kryten, what was going on? Gendo looked like a normal human there, and not a cartoon character."  
"Normal humans do not dress like that, dude. Those tinted sunglasses? Crimes against all fashion!"  
Kryten shrugged off Cat's critique of Gendo Ikari's style. "I don't know sir, maybe it's a byproduct of the fluid, in order for us to be able to exist in the show, it converts their world into 3-D, or maybe we're compressed into two dimensional characters, so everything looks normal either way. Perhaps I should carry out more tests?"

"Forget it, just make sure we pick a scene where we end up in Misato's apartment, and we'll try again."  
"Does she carry a gun too? I really don't want to get shot again"  
"Shut it, Rimmer."

As Ritsuko walked into the bridge, she was met by a purple haired woman, who had a question for her. "Hey Rits, any idea what all the commotion was about?"  
Ritsuko decided to play the "I Know Nothing" card. "Hmm? Commotion? What commotion?"  
"Yeah, the one where the Section-2 goons all made a beeline for the Commander's office? The office where you've just come from?"  
"Oh that? Just an exercise. The Commander wanted to run an unscheduled alert, to see how they'd react."

Misato Katsuragi just grinned. "And how many of them had their employment 'terminated' as a result?"  
Rolling her eyes, Ritsuko just looked at Misato. "You really think the Commander is like a Bond villain, executing his minions for the slightest error? Come on Misato..."  
By now Misato was struggling to keep from bursting into laughter. "Probably just as well for you Rits. If he was, he'd have 'requisitioned' your cats, Blofeld style."

Even Ritsuko couldn't but smile at the thought of a bald Gendo Ikari, stroking a cat on his lap, as he plotted Third Impact. "You are insane, Misato, utterly insane. Now if you'll excuse me, I have tests to run and you should have gone home long ago."

With that, she turned and left the room, only to hear "Noo, Ritsuko-Oh-Seven, I expect you to die." in a bad European accent followed by hysterical laughing as she left.

"Blofeld, seriously?" asked Shigeru Aoba, "I would have figured the Commander to be more in the vein of Hugo Drax."

"Naah, he'd be a shoe in if they were looking for a new Dr. No." was Maya Ibuki's offering.

"Don't you mean Dr. Evil?" asked Makoto Hyuga, to be met with shaking heads.


	2. Chapter 2

Around the same time, in another part of Tokyo-3, Shinji Ikari was walking home from the grocery store, carrying the ingredients for that evening's dinner in addition to a case of beer for his guardian, and her penguin. Reaching his apartment building, he put his hand in his pocket to take out the door key, when the door suddenly opened. In front of him was his housemate, co-pilot and tormentor-in-chief, Asuka Langley Soryu.

"Hey baka, took your sweet time with these, didn't you? We're starving!"  
Inwardly sighing, Shinji picked up the groceries and stepped into the lobby. "Sorry Asuka, the store's checkout system went down, it took them ages to-" breaking off as he saw the look on Asuka's face. 'Oh no, here it comes', he thought.  
"Then why are you apologising, Shinji? Did you cause their system to crash?"  
"N-no, but I-"  
"So there's no need to apologise, it wasn't your fault. These things happen. Here, now let me give you a hand putting these into the elevator! Shinji? Shinji?"  
Asuka realised that Shinji was just standing there, looking at her as if she'd grown two heads. "Hello? Earth to Shinji? Come in Shinji!"  
Shinji's automatic reply of "Sorry, I was- " was cut off by a soft finger to his forehead. Asuka looked at him, no malice to be seen on her face. "Baka, you really have to stop apologising. It doesn't actually accomplish anything, it makes you sound weak, and it does your self-confidence no good either. So be a good Shinji and stop it, okay? Thanks." followed by a soft smile.

Inside Shinji's head, all he could hear was a voice going "That isn't Asuka! This can't be Asuka! She's been replaced by a duplicate! A pod person! I must run away! I must run away!"  
"Are you all right, Shinji?  
"Uhh... yeah."  
"Good, then I'll meet you upstairs, see you later baka Shinji", and with what appeared to be a genuine smile, she turned to walk up the stairs.  
That was all kinds of weird, Shinji thought to himself. And weirdest of all, he got the impression that she really didn't seem to be trying to mess with his head as she loved to do.

As he reached his floor, Shinji was unsurprised to see he'd beaten Asuka to their floor, so he gathered up the shopping and went to the apartment door. Opening it, he left it propped open for her, and walked in. First thing he heard was the sound of a can being opened followed by someone taking a deep drink followed by a yell of pleasure. "Oh, hello Misato, you made it home early enough this evening", he said to his guardian.  
"Hey Shin-chan, how was your day?" came the reply.  
"Oh it was all right I-" as he was cut off.  
"Hey Baka, you born in a field or something?" Asuka yelled at him as she came out of her room. "Why've you left the door open? You not care about my security or something?"  
Shinji just stared. Asuka was dressed in a tank top and shorts. First thing that came to mind was how the hell did she get up here and change her clothes so quick?

"Buh-but I left the door open for you, Asuka. I didn't think you'd have made it up from the lobby so quick."  
"What are you talking about you idiot? I've been here all afternoon."  
"But... you helped me put the shopping into the elevator."  
Asuka just stared at him. "What part of I'VE BEEN HERE ALL AFTERNOON don't you understand? I haven't left the apartment. Misato, I think Shinji's finally lost it."  
"Whuh?" came from the couch.  
"The idiot is seeing things, he says he saw me downstairs when I was in my room."  
Seeing an potential teasing opportunity, Misato was up in a shot. "So, you thought you saw Asuka downstairs?"  
"Y-yeah, and she helped me with the shopping."  
With a huge grin, Misato pounced. "But she's been here since I came home. You must have been day-dreaming about her, Shin-chan. isn't that sweet."  
Asuka was having none of this. "Daydreaming? More like disgusting hentai fantasies!"

At that point, all hell broke loose.

Out of nowhere, a body materialised in the living room, landing with a thump. Quick as a flash, Misato had her gun pointed at the intruder. "Freeze. raise your hands and do not make any other move or I will blow you back to wherever the hell you came from. Shinji, Asuka, get into your rooms and lock the doors."  
Kryten was beginning to think that was everybody's reaction in this universe. Shoot first, ask questions later. "Please do not shoot, Major Katsuragi, ma'am, I am unarmed and I know this may sound horribly clichéd, but I come in peace."  
Looking closer at the intruder, Misato realised one very obvious thing. "You're not human. And if you're an Angel you're the weirdest looking one yet. And if not that, then what are you? "  
"No madam. I am a Series 4000 mechanoid. My name is Kryten. I am extremely sorry for this interruption. Please do not be alarmed. My companions and I mean you no harm. We have travelled a long way to be here."

Asuka, who hadn't actually left the room, was first to ask the question. "Companions? What companions?"  
"Sorry Miss Soryu, my companions are on the other side of the portal, Mr Lister felt it was safer to send me through first to minimise any panic."  
"Are you saying I panic? Baka over there would probably crap his pants, but I take this sort of thing in stride. What kind of idiot are you?"  
"Sorry Miss Soryu."  
Misato began to feel she was losing control of the situation, and Asuka wasn't helping. "Asuka, what did I tell you? Now get into your room RIGHT AWAY!"  
"Come on Misato. This thing is harmless. Look at the cringing and the constant apologies. It's like someone made a robot based on Shinji's personality. What was it you called yourself? Kaiten? That's a rubbish name. You need one that fits. How does Shintron sound? Or Ikari Prime? BumbleShinji? Shinjibot? Ooh, I like that one."  
"Please Miss Soryu, my name is Kryten."  
"And there's another thing, Shinjibot. How the hell do you know our names? Have you been spying on us?"  
"Goddammit Asuka! Why the hell won't you do what I tell you. Give me my phone, and get the hell into your room."  
"Please Miss Katsuragi. There is no need to call NERV, none of us intend you any harm. In fact we came here for another reason altogether."  
"Oh, please do enlighten me. This should be good."

"We just came to party. That's the reason." Said Dave Lister, as he stepped through the portal carrying a case of beer in each hand.

Jaw dropping, Misato turned and pointed the gun at Lister, though her trigger finger relaxed a bit. "You have got to be kidding me..."  
"Do I look like I'm kidding? I have beer. We also have curry and kebabs if you're hungry, and Kryten's a pretty good cook. We know for a fact there will be no Angel attacks for a while, so why not chill? Put the phone down, you really don't want that Gendo arsewipe getting involved. Guy's got no sense of fun."  
"Where the hell did you come from? And how do you know all these things?"  
"It's a long story, but we have as much time as you want to tell you. I suppose the best way of putting it would be that we're from another universe."  
Misato couldn't believe what she was hearing. "And you expect me to believe a word of this garbage? And if I did, how could you even get here?"  
Lister grimaced, "It's kinda complicated, Kryten here would be the best to tell out how it works, but it works. Watch, I'll go back to my universe. I'll just set the beer down, and.."  
"Hold it, nobody's going anywhere." Misato ordered, gesturing with her gun, "Now get over there with your friend."  
"Can I at least put some of these cans in your fridge? Okay, warm beer will do." as Misato narrowed her eyes.

Back on Red Dwarf, Rimmer was enjoying the show. "Oh Listy, Listy, Listy. Things are not quite going according to your little plan are they?"  
"Shouldn't we come up with a plan to rescue them?" Cat asked.  
"I suppose we should. But not yet, let's just enjoy this."

Just at that point, Pen-Pen decided he was going to go back to his fridge. After all, Misato had the situation under control, didn't she? Time for a beer and a nap. There was just one problem. Pen-Pen couldn't see the portal. And walked right into it.

And vanished.

"WHAT THE HELL? WHERE DID PEN-PEN GO?" Before anyone else could say anything, Misato's gun was up Lister's nostril. "What. Did. You. Do. To. My. Penguin?" she ground out the words.  
Lister did his best attempt at a shrug, considering the gun up his nostril. "I dunno, honestly! He must have gone back through the screen." Turning to Kryten, "That's what happened yeah?"

"I honestly don't know sir, we never actually considered the possibility of travelling in the other direction for the people in the original image. Theoretically it is possible, that's he now in our reality, and could come back here without any problem."

Putting on his best winning smile, well, as best as one could do with a gun barrel wedged up one's nose, Lister gestured towards where Pen-Pen had vanished. "You heard Kryten. Pen-Pen's back on Red Dwarf. He's all right, just give him a shout."

"PEN-PEN! YOU GET YOURSELF BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! OR I'LL LOCK THE FRIDGE!"

Back on Red Dwarf, the unharmed Pen-Pen was currently involved in a staring contest with Rimmer. Upon hearing Misato's banshee sceech, Rimmer blinked, in response Pen-Pen just lifted a flipper in dismissal, and turned round and walked back towards the screen and jumped into it.

And back into Misato's apartment.

Back in Red Dwarf, Cat looked at the portal, looked at Rimmer and laughed. "Dude, I think that bird just gave you the bird!"  
"Pen-Pen, you're back!" Misato yelled, only for Pen-Pen to turn to her, shrug, give a lazy wark, and open one of Lister's cans.  
Lister grinned. "See, Misato, even Pen-Pen knows we're harmless. And you always go on about how smart he is. Oh, Pen-Pen? Plenty more where that came from, mate."  
Pen-Pen proceeded to down the can, and gave what could best be described as a penguin style thumbs up gesture, and got himself another can.  
"Okay, I really don't know what the hell you guys are up to, but it takes a hell of a lot to convince Pen-Pen. I'll not phone NERV yet, but I want to hear the full story. Have one of your beers, and Pen-Pen? Get me one of my Yebisus. I'm not going to risk any of theirs yet."

Asuka couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You're taking security advice from a dumb penguin? Are you out of your teeny little mind? Are you that determined to try some western beer you're risking my safety?"  
Pen-Pen looked at Asuka. "WARK!" was the reply.  
Kryten nodded his head. "I quite agree Mr Pen-Pen sir. Miss Soryu does indeed vastly underestimate your intelligence."

An outraged Asuka strode over to Kryten. "Wha-what did you just say Bakabot? Did you just insult me?"  
Misato yelled at her. "Asuka get back from him now. For once, just once, would you just listen to me? Just this once?"  
"Sorry, Miss Soryu, I was not insulting you, I was merely conversing with Mr Pen-Pen. I merely obseved you are simply ill informed as to his intelligence"  
Asuka was having none of this. "Are you trying to tell me you can understand the dumb bird?"  
Kryten was nonplussed. "Indeed I can, Miss Soryu, Mr Pen-Pen is a most erudite and cultured penguin."  
"Wark! Waaark!  
"Ah, thank you Mr Pen-Pen, you too. Did you meet our crewmates during your little trip?"  
"Waaark. Waark. Wark-wark."  
"Ah, you met Mr Rimmer. Yes, he can be a right smeeee...Shhmeeeeehhh..." - Lister burst out laughing at this - "irritating fellow".

"I don't believe I'm seeing this! How can anyone believe that you can talk penguin!" yelled Asuka, only to be interrupted by a extremely loud "WARK! WARK!"  
Asuka turned her glare of death towards Kryten."What did he say?"  
Kryten swallowed, and "You don't really want to know."

"But I do. And you better tell me. Or I will use a can opener on you."  
Pen-Pen interrupted her. "Wark, waaark wark!" followed by a flipper pointing at Shinji, who was watching through his slightly opened door.  
"Basically Mr Pen-Pen feels you need to take a chill pill, and that if you treated life a bit more like Major Katsuragi, and weren't such a total cow to Mister Shinji, you'd be much better off for it."

At this Pen-Pen took off running for his fridge, followed by an angry Asuka. "After all I've done for you! I'll wring your neck! Get back here, you little traitor!"

"Just another evening in the Katsuragi household, eh?" quipped Lister, watching Asuka beating on Pen-Pen's door. "Seriously, we just came for a drink and to hangout, no ulterior motives, no world domination plans."  
Misato looked at him, and feeling a headache starting to manifest itself, decided to give her uninvited guest the benefit of the doubt. "Fine, grab a beer and start talking. Oh, and you can put your hands down, robot."

Lister popped open a can. "Okay, long story short. In our universe, I'm the last human alive owing to an accident, where I spent 3 million years in cryostasis, and I'm stuck on a giant spaceship, with Kryten here, Rimmer and Cat.  
"So how do you know about us?"  
Lister grimaced. "Well that's the bit you are going to find truly wacked out. I know this will sound unbelievable, but this is true. Your universe, is actually an anime series that people in our universe watched."

Misato stood up, gun suddenly pointed at Lister again. "Are you kidding me? As far as you're concerned, we're cartoon characters? People get hurt, people suffer and die, and it's all just entertainment for you? What kind of bullshit is that? Screw you and to hell with this, I'm calling HQ then we'll have some real answers."

Sensing he had to calm Misato down or things would really go to hell, Lister came up with the first thing that popped in his head. "Hang on a second Misato. Now for all I know, years ago, some guy from your universe came into ours, and decided to use his experiences here to tell the story. I don't know how it all works, all I know is that we watch your world, and thanks to Kryten, we were able to visit." Watching Misato sit down, looking thoughtful, he added, "And Pen-Pen was able to visit our reality and return okay, so maybe it goes both ways. Smeg, as far as you guys are concerned we were a really bad American adaptation of a twentieth century British sitcom that never got past the pilot episode."

That got a rueful laugh out of Misato. "It's just a bit mindblowing to think that your experiences, your life, and all the horrors you've endured could be just scripted for someone else's entertainment... or that someone in another reality watch everything you do, and know what's going to happen, while you're just stuggling along, dreading what may or may not happen."

That got Lister thinking. "That just gave me an idea, I'll run it by you in a bit. Anyway, do you mind if the other two come over from Red Dwarf? That's the name of our ship by the way. And I can send Kryten back for more beer and some food?"

Misato nodded at him."Okay, but I'm warning you, I still have this phone ready to go if you try anything."

After seeing Misato giver her approval, Rimmer and Cat stepped into the room. "Hello Major Katsuragi, Technician Second Class Arnold J. Rimmer at your service," said Rimmer, as his hand appeared to move around in an uncontrolled manner.  
"Um hello?" was Misato's uncertain response.  
"Oh, that was Rimmer doing his Spacecorps salute. He does it to anyone who's senior to him. Which is pretty much everybody in the galaxy" smirked Lister.  
"Yeah, well I outrank you Lister" came the snotty reply.  
"Just a shame I'm not really bothered about it, isn't it Rimmer?"  
Rimmer's response was just that look of suffering that he had perfected over the years..

Cat was sniffing the air. "That penguin is here isn't it?"  
Misato eyed him suspiciously, looking at the fangs. "What's with him?"  
"Oh, this is Cat - he's actually a cat - after three million years of evolving, cats end up looking like him. Possibly the vainest creature in the universe."  
As if to prove his point, Cat proceeded to lick his hand and smooth down his hair. "Nothing wrong with wanting to look good, and when it comes to looking good, I look the best. Pleased to meetcha!"

Kryten came back, and headed for the kitchen. "Excuse me Major Katsuragi ma'am, is it all right if I do some cooking in your kitchen? I just think the food would be better than having to take it through the portal."

"What have you got?" was Misato's reply.  
"Mister Rimmer suggested you would like the chicken vindaloo while the pilots might like something German, so I decided on some Sauerbraten."  
Asuka's face lit up. "What was that Bakabot? You're making Sauerbraten ? Proper Sauerbraten? Damn, I haven't had that since I got here. Are you using proper German ingredients?"  
"Of course Miss Soryu - it wouldn't be Sauerbraten without-"  
"SHINJI! Get your ass in the kitchen and watch your robot self show you how to make proper edible meal!"  
Misato glared at Asuka. "Leave him alone Asuka, he's a good enough cook as it is."  
"Sure." Asuka sneered, "If all you like is Japanese food all the time. It'll do the idiot good to expand his horizons."  
Shinji walked from his room towards the kitchen. "It's alright Misato, there's nothing wrong with learning as much as you can."

"Good, and when you're done you can-" Asuka broke off, noticing Rimmer was giving her a dirty look.  
"What's your problem? And why do you have that stupid looking H stuck to your forehead. Went to sleep drunk last night or something and one of these guys had fun with superglue?"  
"Nothing." came the reply. "Just thinking how you're very like one of my old public school teachers. A right bossy German cow."

Silence.

Everyone could feel the temperature in the apartment plummet.  
"What did you just call me?" Asuka hissed.  
"A right bossy German cow." came the reply. "What are you going to do about it, invade Poland?"  
"That does it! You are so dead, Englander swine!" Asuka yelled and proceeded to throw a beer can at Rimmer, to be met with yells of "Not the beer!" from Misato and Lister.  
To her, Shinji and Misato's shock, the can bounced off Rimmer without any damage to Rimmer - apart from his pride.  
"What the-?" breathed Asuka.

"You're right. he is dead." confirmed Lister. "Died 3 million years ago. And brought back to life as a solid light hologram. Still didn't do anything for his personality, though."  
"Oh yeah, Lister, just rub it in. Meet anybody new, and it's 'Oh look, everybody, this here's Rimmer, but don't worry, he's dead. Let's all point and laugh at him anyway."  
"Oh just cheer up Rimmer. Let your hair down, it's not like you're studying for the Spacecorps exam for the 36th time is it? Oh right, you failed your 36th attempt last month. Sorry mate."  
"Sod off, Lister." Shaking his head, Rimmer just walked towards the kitchen area, almost bumping into Cat, who was knocking on Pen-Pen's door. "Here, little birdie, come out, I got something cool and awesomely cool to show you..."


End file.
